I’ve always fancied myself somewhat a writer. I’m not perfect and I’ve never written anything worthy of publishing, but I enjoy writing and sometimes it makes me feel better. Now, this is my blog and I’ve hardly ever used it for writing personal things. I’ve posted pictures and sometimes a sentence or two, but rarely. When I do write, its for clarity. Sometimes my thoughts and emotions get to be too much for my head and they need to be released. My feeble attempts at this lately have been incoherent ramblings between pathetic sobs to my girlfriend and it’s only making it worse. I can’t seem to say the right things. So here, maybe I can get a bit more organized.
I fell in love with a girl on December 16th, 2012. I wish I could say I fell in love with her the moment I heard her voice on the phone or when I first held her in my arms at the airport, but I’d be lying. I believe in love at first sight, but I can be too cynical for my own good. I’m sure my heart was telling me it was so, but my brain won out at first. I fell in love with her on a cold night in the city of Philadelphia. We had a big day planned and had gone into the city to see Love Park and the Franklin Institute. We were waiting to cross the street to get back to the train and head home when there was this random gust of wind that hit her at the perfect moment that I looked up and saw her; unaware. She had no idea how beautiful she looked. The backdrop of Christmas Village lit her eyes up as she stared on at the passing cars, holding my hand. I fell for her right then and there. I knew that later that night, I would have to ask her to be my girlfriend.
It’s been a year and almost 9 months since that night and I have loved her more and more every single day that has passed. That’s almost 21 months( with seven week-or-two trips in between) of not feeling whole. I left a piece of my heart with her the first time I flew back to Texas and shes been keeping it warm ever since. We’ve been fortunate enough that our only hardships, for the most part, have been dealing with this distance that keeps us apart. I want to close the distance with this beautiful princess, but real life has its obstacles.
Lately, for no discernible reason, I’ve been really sad. I will just find myself over come by a wave of crippling sadness and lose interest in whatever it is I’m doing at that moment. I’ll just want to get into bed and call her, and lay all my emotions on her to try and make me feel better. It isn’t fair to her, but I do it anyways because she’s my support system. As much as I want to believe that she relies on me in some way or another; its really all about her. She keeps me going, she keeps me fighting for another day. I only have a career path right now because I was inspired by her indomitable will to become a nurse. And god damn she did just that. I have never been more proud of her than I was when she had me check her boards site to see if she passed. I was the happiest fucking boyfriend in the world: to be able to give the person you love news like that was simply amazing.
She’s done with school and looking for a job, which means less chances for trips. That scares us and that’s normal. We should be scared of something like that. Maybe I’m just freaking out because this is the first time since we’ve started dating that we haven’t had any kind of plans to visit each other. Or maybe I’m just losing my mind. It could be anything in between. I just need her to know that she isn’t doing this to me. I am getting better, and as much as I know I could make it better by just dropping all of this and never bringing it up again, I can’t. Because I will always be real with her, I will always show her exactly who I am because I faithfully believe that she will love every dark corner of my life, just as I have and will love hers. She has made me the happiest I have ever known, and no matter what our future holds, good or bad, that won’t change. Our time together and the memories we’ve made will never be anything than what they are: ours.